My Lost Hope
by oursolemnhour49
Summary: "Love, can you understand? Can you forgive me for this cowardice, for this weakness?" -Kratos's reflections at the site of Anna's gravestone. Spoilers; one-shot.


**I'm not really sure where this came from- all I know is that this idea grabbed me and I just had to write it down. I listened to Harry Nilsson's "Without You" and had a lump in my throat the whole time I was writing. I liked it, but it may not be as good as I thought- so just let me know what you think! **

**I don't own anything.**

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**I watch the Chosen and the boy wander off away from the ramshackle house. The girl drops to the thick grass of a small hill near the road, and the boy stands beside her. They seem attached to one another; I hear the Chosen apologize for the treatment the boy received earlier, both at my hands and the hands of the mayor of the village. The boy gives a laugh that is almost a groan. "Why are you apologizing?" he exclaims. "You didn't do anything wrong, Colette!"

The way he said those words… it is hard enough that his name is that of the child I lost. And then the way he speaks- Anna, so often that was how you spoke if I pointed out some danger or worry. You would always laugh with that same note of exasperated humor- and almost always I was the cause.

He has the same name: Lloyd. Is it possible that our son could have survived the fall? I do not know- and yet when I saw him smile at his friends at the chapel, all I could see was your smile, Anna. He has some of your mannerisms- the way he throws his arms behind his head and looks upward at the sky- you did that so often. I turn away from the children, and that is when I see the gravestone.

I am not far away, it is some distance to my right, near the side of the little house. The moonlight falls upon the roughly hewn name. I shut my eyes for a moment. Is this some trick of my mind, snapping at last under the weight of my sins? Again I look at the stone, and the name is unchanged.

_Anna._

I force myself to walk slowly, so the children do not observe me. My heart sounds loud in my ears, but I know that that shattered, incomplete organ is drawn to this simple slab of grey stone. I cannot doubt anymore. To run across the most precious names to me in the whole world- in this area- it cannot be coincidence. You are here. Even in death you succeeded where I failed so miserably: I know you have been watching over our son.

I drop to my knees and trace the name etched in the stone. Every memory we shared stabs me with its beauty. Your laughter rings in my ears, your warm kiss seems to press on my lips, and your smile, so lovely it could outshine the stars, lingers in my eyes. My hands itch to draw you close to me again. I long to hold you, to whisper in your ear that I love you, as I did on so many dark nights during our flight. I yearn to feel your heart beating against my chest and feel your hands intertwined with mine. But there is nothing save these scratches in the cold rock, a bitter reminder of you, you who I loved so dearly.

Anna, I have failed you and Lloyd; I have never been so conscious of that failure as I am now. You trusted me with your life, you trusted me to protect our family, you were confident that I could save the world as I had saved you. You told me that I was your guardian angel, your protector. You said that I was a father that many children only dreamed of having. And you believed your own words. But what kind of guardian strikes down the one he would die to protect? What kind of father allows his child to slip through his fingers because of his own despair? My love, my heart, can you ever forgive me? I was no guardian angel, all I have ever been is an angel of death. I am a monster, and I condemned you the moment I told you that I loved you, the moment I dared to take your beauty into my bloodstained hands. I condemned our precious son to a life of fear even before he was born, stunting his smiles.

A wind begins to blow, ruffling my hair and whispering over the edges of this stone. In my mind, I can hear what you would say to me with that beautiful smile: "_Can a monster love? You idiot, can a monster feel such pain as you do now? _"

But Anna, my love, is this just my forlorn hope? Would you truly have said such a thing to me, or would your sense of justice finally have seen me for the killer and destroyer I am? Yet no matter what you said- I would move mountains to hear you, I would endure thousands of years of torture if I could speak with you. I have never needed your presence as badly as I need it now, but I will never come closer than this rock that stands before me.

Anna, Anna, what am I to do? Our son is here- and, wretched father that I am, I can do nothing. I long to tell him the truth, but I could not bear his hatred, and how could he not despise me? Anna, please, I beg you, help me! You always said I was your guide, but what good is a guide without light to show him the path? Never have I needed your guidance more, my love, my lost hope. I deserve nothing from you, for whom I caused so much suffering, but if anyone could forgive me for my crimes, it is you. Can you lend me your clear sight, your wisdom, so I can set my feet and our son's on the right path at last?

I take a deep breath and stand. Lloyd- I can tell by his footsteps- is coming behind me now. I hesitate before asking the question to which I already know the answer: "Whose grave is this?"

"My mom's," he answers quietly. He looks down at it and says very softly, almost to himself, "I can't remember her at all. I remember my dad- a little- but not much. But I can't remember anything about her."

My heart almost stops beating. He remembers? But no- surely he would have said something if he had a clear enough memory to recognize me. I do not think he has that pain- it is clear that he is pained enough by what he did say.

After a moment, I look at him and speak, "Still, she is here with you. I think she would consider that enough."

"I hope," the boy whispers. "I still feel bad though- she made sure I was all right before I died, but I still can't remember her." Then his face changes, almost as though he is wondering why he is talking about his mother with a stranger he dislikes so intensely. I turn away, and look up to see the Chosen watching us.

"Are you done here?" I ask. She nods and turns to the road.

I look back once. Lloyd is on one knee in front of the grave, his gloved finger tracing the name. His face is thoughtful, and rather sad. I hear his voice faintly on the breeze: "Mom, why was he here? It was weird- it seemed like it was right for him to see you- but why?"

I turn back to the village, but my heart remains by that stone. Anna, my angel- for such you were- forgive me, I beg you. Forgive me for everything I have done, and for what I am about to do. Oh, love, I cannot imagine what you would say to me now- but if you were with me now, my feet would not be on this crooked path. Anna, dearest, watch our son. I cannot enter his life now- the truth would cause him too much agony, and I cannot bear the thought of lying to him. Now that you are gone, I have to follow my heart as best as I can- my heart which has been barely beating since I struck you down.

After the Chosen is back in her home, I slip outside, and, for the first time in fourteen years, open the locket that hangs on my neck to look upon your face again. Your arms are around me and Lloyd. I smile at how your short hair was so uneven, and I had almost forgotten the beauty of your eyes. The happiness in your face is so radiant; how is possible that I stand beside you in this image?

Love, can you understand? Can you forgive me for this cowardice, for this weakness? I have no way of knowing. You are the only person from whom I could fathom such love. Can such love as yours reach beyond the realm of death, and past the sins I've committed? Perhaps… Anna, if it can- my soul is crying for you now, though I can shed no tears. Can you hear the sorrow in my heart? My darling, I cannot show it, but I have never known such agony as this- the weight of my failure is too much for me to bear. My son is within my reach, and I cannot tell him, or do my duty by him as his father. I have touched your gravestone when I should have been beside you at your death, telling you that I loved you beyond anything in this world. Anna, I beg you, ease my pain! Can you not tell how badly I need to hear your voice, to clasp you one last time? If there is any way- come to me, help me! Dearest, what am I without you, what hope do I have with you gone? How can I go on without you, what worth is there in my life when I failed you then, and am still failing now?


End file.
